Sitting here

Going Schwartzman on my life
Contemplating drowning my sorrows
in a sack of ten from White Castle
Leaving little to the imagination

Show me!

For the past couple of weeks, I've been avoiding God. The silence which I had come to enjoy so much this summer had quickly become something that needed to filled up. Today, however, we had a bit of a breakthrough. The morning was all mine, or His rather, as the Holy Whispers penetrated through the blank sonic canvas. We got some things out in the open. Well, to be completely honest, He brought everything out into the open for me-- showed me exactly why I had created this rift. It wasn't a pretty picture, (and it sill isn't) but it was a start. There are some pretty big things I've been asking God to do for me. But He hasn't done any of them. And what's more, He doesn't even appear to be working on it. I feel like I've been put on hold for a more important child or something. This has led to me yelling, (oh the yelling) demanding things from God-- or at least a small sign that He can hear me. Nothing comes. In fact, I can almost hear the music playing on the other end of that celestial telephone. Today was different. Though there was yelling and demanding a-plenty, I know He was there. He showed me this passage:

Unless you see signs and wonders, you will not believe.

John 4:48

At first I said to myself, "Exactly, now show me!" But then I got a little more honest with myself and realized that even with a sign, I wouldn't believe. I'd probably just tell God, "It's about time." There's no faith in that response.

That's not to say that I have faith right now, because I don't. At least not much. But the silence has been broken. Though I'm sick of waiting, I have no choice. All that's left for me to do is seek Him. And wait. And believe. He is going to show me. I know it.

What an INTJ wants. What an INTJ needs.

Order. No alarms and no surprises. Life sans question marks.

Today's craving

Oslo

Call me Gideon

Sometimes, when living with reckless faith, you gotta lay a fleece or two. (usually two)

Redirected

Last night, a sprained ankle brought me to a friend's house earlier than I expected, and consequently kept me there much longer than I expected. Now, lately my friend and I have found ourselves discussing the test. Last night was no different. We began talking about how our types manifest themselves in our walk with God. My dear friend wisely pointed out that I like things to be in order. This is no secret. I have a plan, I know how my day is supposed to go. And more often than not it goes that way. But inevitably there are those times when all my planning falls apart. In which case, as this friend so bluntly told me, I fall apart. This got me thinking about my current circumstances. God has told me to do some very bizarre, strange, and even hard things. So I immediately start believing that God is going to give all of those things to me. Which leads to me planning how all of this is going to come about--and it's a pretty good plan, I must admit. But right now I'm 0-3, and that frustrates me. I find myself telling God, "Ok, this is the only way this is all going to work out, so you've got to do it this way!" Doesn't happen.

When I got home late last night/early this morning I was miraculously led to an article by Andree Seu entitled "Simple Faith" which reminded me of a promise that I had read multiple times in the past few weeks:

"For I know what I have planed for you," says the LORD. "I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

The way God brought about that plan certainly was not the way His people wanted it happen. But it was safe, it was perfect, it was beautiful.

I must simply believe this for myself. God doesn't have to give me His promises the way I expect Him to. In fact, now I'm expecting Him to do it in the most unlikely of ways. I'm expecting the impossible. The "wonder and wildness" is back.